Los Angeles is in the midst of what can best be described as a scorching heat wave. The general topic of conversation has been either, one, complaining about the heat or, two, comparing one's relative suffering at the hands of the atmospheric inferno. Keep in mind that I am originally from Texas and this is nothing compared to what I grew up with in Houston. But this was not in the brochure when I signed up for California living. I want 75 and sunny. Not 85 and humid. I also don't want to sweat. Ever. Unless I am running. And then it should evaporate immediately. In fact, the weather should be so dry that I am personally at risk of turning into a wildfire at any given moment. But complaining really isn't the point of this. This is really about giving back.
The biggest problems facing America today are, in no particular order, immigration and global warming. Bear with me as I solve these with precision, verve and panache.
America is a nation of immigrants despite what the minutemen might think. If you were to take the average American's DNA and subject it to testing, you would most likely turn up at least three or four ethnic lines and at least eighty percent would be willing members of your double helix. We for the most part aren't what the Nazi's would consider ethnically pure. So technically speaking. We would be very hard to sort. So you might be asking yourself, "How can I solve the immigration problem in America without self-reflexively deporting myself? I just don't think it can be done."
But America is not about finding excuses. America is about finding a way. And that way is to simply declare "American" an ethnicity, patent it and begin signing people up. The only genetic test would be to play Kanye West's "Gold Digger" and see if a bootyquake occurs. Because only a pagan, factory-worshipping communist... or the French... would not instantly begin to groove to what my sister describes as "The Jam". Suddenly, viola! No immigrants. Just god-fearing, red meat eating, NASCAR watching, rump-shaking, gawddamn Americans spawned in the bowels of the US of muthafuckin' A. I'm surprised my keyboard didn't short out as my tears of ethnic, national pride poured down my face. So now you might be wondering. "OK, that was easy, but what about this global warming thing that may or may not exist depending on whether you are talking to someone who makes a living drilling, refining or reselling fossil fuels?"
For once, we must look to our neighbors... dare I say siblings... to the north, the Canadians.
Someone told me that 90% of the Canadian population resides within 100 miles of the border. So you might be asking yourself, "Doesn't that make for a tight fit? I mean, don't get me wrong, the idea of groovin' in a pile with some hot canuckians makes me quiver in my loins. And I have seen pictures of the night clubs in Montreal... but I mean at some point it's really not them, it's just that you know... we need our space... and it's not like we're really broken up... it's more like we are on a break... because even though I may not sleep with someone else... I mean I may fuck them... but definitely no sleeping... I will do that only with you and alone... it just seems a little... you know... tight."
But see... that is the genius of global warming. Canada will no longer be a frigid wasteland of polar bears, hockey sticks and Inuits. It will instead be a temperate paradise with Hockey pushed to the hinterlands and baseball taking its place in the fertile fields of what was once known as the Northwest Territories. We will have pushed the Canadians further north where they can occupy a 100 mile strip between America's new northern border and what was once the North Pole. Because we as a people should have the compassion to help the Canadians maintain a lifestyle that they, or at least 90%, have become accustomed to. The remaining ten percent, especially the ones that look like Natasha Henstridge, can live with us, the Americans as guest workers. That leaves the whole of what we once knew as the Unites States to be occupied by Mexican immigrants who have wanted to explore the area known to them as "El Norte". Subsequently we will have eliminated global warming as a problem and instead turned it, using American know-how and pluck, into an asset that will allow us to give Canada new meaning and Mexican immigrants a legal place to hang out.
And it is that simple. With a little desire, reclassification, optimism and suspension of disbelief... something that is in the very fabric of the American creed... we have wiped out two pressing problems which leaves us time to engage more pressing concerns. And we didn't even need a politician. Just some common sense.
